Easing the Teasing

My aunt recently sent me this excellent book, Easing the Teasing, written by Judy S. Freedman. As both a teacher and parent, I was curious about the title and dove right into the text, reading chapter after chapter and highlighting important points along the way. Here are some things that grabbed my attention:

*There are two kinds of teasing:

- having fun with someone you like
- making fun of someone in a hurtful way


*What's the difference between teasing and bullying:

- Bullying is characterized by repeated, consistent attacks whereas teasing may
be an occasional thing.

*What's the big deal about teasing?

- It can make your child feel "diminished, demeaned, devalued and somehow
unacceptable."

*The top 10 reasons why children are teased:

1) Appearance
2) Abilities - physical and intellectual
3) Identity - gender, race, religion, culture
4) Behavior
5) Family circumstances
6) Possessions
7) Opinions
8) Names
9) Feelings
10) Friends

*Can your child turn to teachers for help?

- That's a good place to start, but Freedman states, "Many adults, including
teachers and school administrators, believe teasing falls into the catagory of
kids being kids and that it's just a part of growing up."

*How to talk to your child about what can be done:

- Express confidence in your child's ability to handle the situation.
- Ask what your child wants to do.
- Be realistic.
- Teach your child strategies that work.


As a former middle school teacher and kid myself, I know that teasing whatever the form may be, hurts! Kids will tell you that you are too short, too tall, too fat or too thin. The list goes on and on. My oldest daughter, (Big Sister) was teased for the first time this year on the playground at preschool. Three girls whom she still considers friends, approached her on the first cold day of the year and belittled her for not having a pink coat like they had. At first, my happy-go-lucky girl shrugged it off and said, "It's okay, I like my coat," but they kept on with unkind remarks such as, "We aren't going to be your friend anymore because you are different." Big Sister started crying. At five, friendship means everything to her. She desperately wants to be liked and accepted by her peers. Her teacher went over and made the girls apologize. After that, everything went back to 'normal.' The situation still bothers me though because she was attacked for not having a pink coat. What happens when the same mean girls notice that her skin tone is different or that her eyes don't look like theirs. Will they further persecute her? Maybe yes, maybe no! I'm happy to have read this well-informed book which lets me know that teasing is universal and the very best thing a parent can do for their child is to talk openly about the topic to them and teach them strategies for handling such scenarios. If you haven't read it, I highly recommend taking a peek! It's worth the read and could potentially help your child in the future.

Found in China: A Documentary Worth Seeing!

Occassionally when meeting someone new, I am asked if I had to travel to China to adopt my daughters as though the idea of traveling abroad would be one great scary chore. Little do they know how wonderful it was traveling to China, how rich the experience was for me to live, eat and breathe in the culture of my daughters homeland, albeit for only a few short weeks. Now that I have my two daughters and China has it's newly enforced rules, I won't be adopting another child, yet, in my heart I still would love to return again one day with daughters, to experience it all over again through their eyes.

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to view a lovely documentary entitled, Found in China, directed by adoptive mom, Carolyn Stanek. The DVD is receiving recognition throughout the country and can be purchased at Amazon.com. It shows a small group of parents with their preteen daughters, ages 9-12, returning to China for a heritage tour which includes sightseeing, an orphanage tour, and taking each girl back to their finding spot. Found in China is a moving documentary connecting adoptive families and strengthening bonds. The magical aspect of this video is the fact that the nannies and foster mothers remembered the girls with so much warmth and adoration. One even biked over an hour and a half, for a chance to once again see the girl she cared for as a baby. Another bit of magic happens when one of the orphanage workers is able to locate the man who actually found one of the girls. He meets her at her finding place and is able to describe first-hand his memories of that fateful day. To learn more about this exciting documentary, visit: http://web.mac.com/carolynstanek/iWeb/Site/Welcome.html. You can also read an article from the Chicago Tribune about it here: http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/lifestyle/q/chi-0113_p2p_n_djan13,0,1516775.story
When the time is right, I will also take my daughters back to their homeland so they may climb the steps of the Great Wall, visit the giant pandas, and see the country where they were born. Who knows what else we will discover or what the future will bring? The next time someone asks me if I had to go to China, I will say, "Yes, and I can't wait to go back!"

Busy, Busy Week!

We had a very busy, yet highly productive week here. Little Sister (LS) was readopted on Wednesday morning in a Chicago courthouse. Now, we will wait 4-6 months for her IL birth certificate to come through. Then, we can get her a social security card and obtain permanent citizenship here in the U.S. The procedure was expensive ($1,000), but relatively quick and easy. During the week, our social worker also finished the six-month post-placement report as required by China, and Early Intervention finally came to our house to evaluate LS. The good news is that we qualified for services! I am very excited because I believe in their program and really need help with LS's frequent temper tantrums.

The assessment outcomes revealed that LS is a very bright little girl. Cognitively, she is exactly where a 19-20 month old baby should be. Her speech is delayed which is to be expected since she has only been living in the U.S. for a short time, but they feel that speech therapy would help with her behavior problems. As I mentioned in an earlier post, LS exhibited strong behavioral problems in China. She did not sleep more than 3-5 hours each night and only napped approximately 30 minutes each day, foregoing sleep in place of screaming. When I tell people that she screamed, they don't really understand. It's not a baby crying out of grief scream. It was a 'my body's on fire' scream, one that would last for 4-5 hours!!

Our pediatrician quickly helped me solve the sleeping problem and LS now sleeps 12-13 hours each night with a 2-3 hour nap during the day. No problem there! Yet still, we have screaming, anger, rage and frequent temper tantrums. The stuff that those attachment books warn you about, but you never think it will happen to you.
Well folks, it happened to me! My baby girl is hurting deep inside and we are finally getting help!!

The E.I. team was very nice and professional during their assessment. The are committed to helping us heal LS so that she can have the quality of life that her family desires her to have. Adopting our babies is only the first step. The goal is for them to grow up loved, happy and successful! Some babies need a little early intervention to help them get there and move on from the difficult traumas of their early life.

Making strides with my velcro baby

We have been home with Little Sister (LS) for five months now. For 24 long months leading up to our adoption day, I had prayed, wished, hoped and dreamed of this child, a sweet, calm Mei-Mei. Our older daughter (Big Sister) has always been a happy, yet highly active child. In my prayers, I asked God to send me a calmer little girl, one to counter-balance Big Sister. Excitedly, I even discovered that the name we had chosen for her meant "Trees near the water." I remember thinking how serene and lovely that sounded. Did I get a calm child you may wonder? The answer is yes and no.

LS was without question the saddest little girl I had ever laid eyes on when I met her. During our China trip, she didn't sleep more than 4-5 hours a night. Rather, she would begin screaming at the idea of bedtime. Something about going to bed at night greatly disturbed her. We asked our facilitator to call the orphanage and see if they could help, but instead, they laughed it off, saying there weren't any problems or maybe I was just an inexperienced mother. Later, I discovered that my daughter had a crib mate and cannot sleep without her blankie. Why couldn't her nanny take the time to tell me this information or send along her precious blanket. I would have gladly purchased ten new blankets in place of the old one.

During the day, LS was calm and relaxed, but at night, she changed into a inconsolable child screaming on top of her lungs as though her body were engulfed in flames. The memory of these episodes still rattles me. I will admit that I was not prepared for this child or situation. During the excruciatingly long wait for this baby, I had been glued to my computer, longing for the latest gossip about when the next batch of referrals would be coming out and reading stories from mothers who had joyous "Gotcha Days" with happy, smiling babies. I wondered why God gave me this particular child. God doesn't make mistakes my friends tried to reassure me. Still, I felt so completely overwhelmed.

Fast forward, five months later. LS still has her issues, including delayed speech, sensory integration disorder (as diagnosed by our pediatrician) and temper tantrums that lead to more screaming, yet this beautiful little person is making progress every day. The greatest miracle for me has been to see her relax, learn to trust and learn how to be happy. When she laughs, it's like seeing a flower blossoming from bud to full bloom. She knows that she is home now. She knows that every time her belly is hungry, Mama will feed her. Every time, she lays to down to sleep, she knows that her blankie is with her and that no one will take it away. She knows that she is loved. My older daughter came to me rather easily with an easy transition. LS was different. She came to me and said, non-verbally of course, "Mama, fight for me. Fight to save my life." I'm here precious daughter. I'm here.